e-quipped

2007-09-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm curious about the story behind the "Do Not Eat" printed on the silica packets included w/some products. Did someone open up their box of shoes and think, "Reebok shoes, AND candy!"

Illiteration

2007-08-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

One in four adults read no books at all in the past year, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll released Tuesday.

One in four adults also did not read the survey's results.

Speeders: Cut it out!

2007-08-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

An Ohio man is using cardboard cutouts of his children to discourage motorists from speeding on his busy street.

It's worked so well that his wife has placed a cardboard cutout of herself in the yard to discourage his friends from visiting the house.

2007-07-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

I was raised by a crazy Jewish mother who couldn't cook very well. Her excuse is that she comes from a long line of Jewish women afraid to go near ovens.

2007-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

MySpace has found 29,000 registered sex offenders in its database of users. But what worries me is the amount of unregistered sex offenders lurking on the site--because the registered offenders are at least responsible enough to fill out the required paperwork.

Life is like a rollercoaster

2007-07-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

that I'm always in line for. .

There's No False Start in Rape

2007-07-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

NYC police have nabbed Alvin Henry, a serial rapist who was also an Olympic sprinter for Trinidad & Tobago.

People like this really upset me—good at TWO things? I’m not even good at ONE thing.

How do you stop a guy like this?? Certainly not with a gun; he’s used to running world class speed when he hears one fired.

2007-04-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Thomas Edison said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, which means that the little Malaysian boy who made my shoes is friggin' brilliant.

2007-03-20T23:53:00.000-07:00

put a lid on it

2007-03-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

Management for the Cleveland Browns of the National Football League are interested in adding a retractable roof to the existing stadium. The proposed modification is an attempt to bolster Cleveland's chances to host a Super Bowl.

The architect/webmaster at e-quipped productions has submitted a design for consideration titled "Giant Trash Can Lid".

horrorscope

2007-03-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

GIRL: So, what's your sign?
ME: A stop sign.
GIRL: Really?
ME: Yeah, I've had the same horoscope for the last 24 years: "People will approach you with caution, stop, and then quickly move away."

bo(red) & ti(red)

2007-03-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

in case you didn't get the parody

high-bred

2007-03-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

When I ride my hybrid around town people point and laugh. They might think my Hamel looks funny, but I’m saving the environment.

2007-03-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

Abortion: The simplest way to lose that extra baby weight!

grocery stopping

2007-02-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

I was asked to sign a petition outside of the grocery store. And I was like, "only if it's for a cause that’ll let me bother you when you’re voting."

CHINK IN THE ARMOR

2007-02-24T10:42:00.000-08:00

Currently in development at e-quipped productions:

"CHINK IN THE ARMOR"

Synopsis
After misinterpreting a speech by his leader Ghengis Kahn, ancient asian warrior Chin Kee time-travels on a mission "to expand the Mongolian Empire for the future of mankind". He lands in modern day Washington DC and is part of a mix-up that finds him chauffeuring the "man" he needs to conquer--Presidential Elect Harlan Cole. Hilarity ensues as both go to great lengths to hide a chink in their armor: Cole is a transvestite, and Chin can't drive!

Attached to star
Jackie Chan as Chin Kee
Venus Williams as President Harlan Cole
Bob Hope (archive footage) as Ghengis Kahn

Pitch
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure meets Taxi Driver meets Driving Miss Daisy meets Mrs. Doubtfire meets Manchurian Candidate meets Being There meets Transamerica meets Speed

Working title
A.E.T.T.D.A.O.M.D.S.M.C. (An Excellent Transamerican Taxi Driving Adventure of Mrs. Daisy's Speedy Mongolian Candidate)

The Number 23 - coincidence?

2007-02-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

The world spins on an axis of 23 degrees.
Caesar was stabbed 23 times.
Kurt Cobain was born in 1967 and died in 1994. 1+9+6+7=23 and 1+9+9+4=23.
The invasion of Iraq began on 3/20, 2003 at 2:30
The date 9/11/2001...9+11+2+1=23
2 divided by 3 =.666…
The Hiroshima bomb was dropped at 4:19. 4+19=23
Director Joel Schumacher is responsible for at least 23 shitty movies.

britney shears

2007-02-20T16:17:00.000-08:00

Esther Tognozzi, owner of the salon where Britney Spears shaved her head, is selling Spears' hair on eBay. Tognozzi is selling other items that Spears left behind at the salon including a lighter, a can of red bull, and the last shred of her dignity.

vice precedent

2007-02-20T13:21:00.000-08:00

ESPN is always broadcasting the World Series of Poker. And I'm sorry, but poker is NOT a sport. Poker is gambling, and gambling is a vice. What vice centered event is the next big thing? E-quipped Productions is working on some ideas to pitch to ESPN:

The Superbowl of Chain Smoking
World Cup of Booze
Prostituition 500
US Open Relationship
Recreational Drug Derby (the White Pony always wins, by a nose)

Carlos "Menstealia"

2007-02-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

"Comedian" Carlos Mencia has long been labled as a joke thief. I think he's been lifting the wrong bits because his act has never been funny to me. Carlos is so Mexican that he's too lazy to steal good jokes.

At any rate, comedian Joe Rogan finally confronted Mencia this week at the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. As expected, someone in the crowd caught the footage, and even edited a 5 minute video completely exposing Carlos "Menstealia".

rome wasn't burned in a day

2007-02-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

ROME (AP) -- Reacting to the fatal attack on a policeman last week during a soccer riot, the Italian Cabinet approved measures Wednesday that could force soccer teams in the nation's top leagues to play in empty stadiums.

CHICAGO (AP) -- U.S. Major League Soccer teams that play in empty stadiums will employ Post-Game Riot promotions to help boost attendance this upcoming season.

one small step for women

2007-02-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

Astronaut Lisa Nowak drove for 1,000 miles wearing a diaper to avoid any bathroom breaks on her trek to confront and kidnap a romantic rival. That is my kind of woman--14 hours of driving and not one pee-stop. Take note ladies, because the bar has been raised.

survey

2007-02-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

In a recent Forbes survey, 40 percent of teens say they’ve recently come across nudity and pornography on the internet. The same survey reported that the other 60 percent of teens have not recently been on the internet.

purple reign

2007-02-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

CBS chose Prince to be the SuperBowl halftime performer, which took some guts, given the high probability of a gender malfunction.

omniPOTence paradox

2007-02-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

Can God create a stoner so lazy that even God can't move--from the couch.

the big glue factory in the sky

2007-01-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. Barbaro April 29th 2003 - January 30th 2007

coming to a frat party near you. .

2007-01-30T09:36:00.000-08:00

e-quipped productions presents:

THE POPPED COLLAR COMEDY TOUR

featuring Gary the Digital Cable Dude, Geoff Fuxworthy, bitches, a keg of Heine, and rap muzak.

$tripper$

2007-01-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

I prefer to get lap dances from strippers w/foreign auto names, because they're less likely to breakdown on me. Sure, the parts are more expensive, but they're totally worth it.

lost

2007-01-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

I started watching that tv show LOST, and I can't imagine how bad that would suck to be stranded on an island. With a bunch of actors.

plasma donors

2007-01-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

I think it's important for people to become plasma donors. Because there are many sick people who could really use a nice tv.

wife and limb

2006-10-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Heather Mills is making claims of abuse against her estranged husband Paul McCartney. Most people see it as a ploy by her to extract even more money from the divorce settlement. It's going to end up costing Paul an arm and a leg, because we all know she doesn't have any more limbs to spare.

2006-10-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

tonguing chic

2006-04-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

The name of the band that I'm never gonna start.

my job

2006-04-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

People always ask about my job, to which I reply, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill myself."

ancient chinese marriage proverb

2006-04-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

Beauty is in the eye of the beholden.

flattery?

2006-04-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Don't be fooled when someone says "You're one in a million!". What they're really saying is that there are about 300 more people like you in the US alone, and 6000 worldwide.

today's mantra

2006-04-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

In grammar there are rules; in writing there is none.